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When are two free nights better than three?

By: Jack Fabian, humor columnist
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Two free nights at a casino hotel! We get these offers every couple of months. Once you’ve proven you can lose on a regular basis, the free nights become routine. You can increase the number of free nights by proving you can lose more. We’ve been hoping for three nights, but unfortunately, we just can’t seem to lose enough. We recently took advantage of some freebies at the Peppermill in Reno, one of the nicer casinos in that city. Unfortunately, to get there means going up Highway 80, a road that’s in dire need of Oil of Olay. On the way up this Washboard Expressway, there must have been 30 or 40 signs indicating ‘Road Work Ahead.’ In addition, there were many, many signs saying ‘Right Lane Closed Ahead.’ Finally, after numerous signs and many miles, the right lane finally closed. All of a sudden, we saw five workers in hard hats standing around shootin’ the breeze. We shouldn’t expect anything else. After all, the signs did say ‘Road Work Ahead;’ they did not say ‘Road Work Being Done Ahead.’ Our state government is broke; that’s such a mystery. We finally arrived at the Peppermill, got checked in, grabbed some lunch and headed for the floor where we would have an opportunity to increase our free nights. Actually, the one responsible for this is my wife, as my gambling efforts wouldn’t earn us a free coffee. My time is spent meeting interesting people. We didn’t need a designated driver for this first night so I headed for the bar to enjoy a good stiff drink. I sat next to a gentleman who claimed to be 94 years old. He looked every day of it but he was very happy he made it this far. We discussed a variety of topics as he downed one beer after another. He told me he moved last week but he hadn’t moved this week yet. I thought, why doesn’t this guy pay his rent? Suddenly, I realized what he was talking about when he said he had increased his fiber. A woman then came in and sat on my right and asked the bartender for a Scotch and two drops of water. When he brought her the drink, she told him she was celebrating her 80th birthday. He promptly said the drink was on the house. When she finished her drink, I offered to buy her another. She thanked me and stressed to the bartender that she again wanted a Scotch and two drops of water. Curiosity got the best of him so he asked why she always ordered Scotch with only two drops of water, to which she replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole different thing.” After an enjoyable couple of days, we packed up and headed home via the ‘Road Work Ahead’ freeway. To our somewhat limited surprise, the five guys in hardhats were still shootin’ the breeze. Halfway home, a road sign said, ‘Next Exit-Gas,’ so I took the exit and found a restaurant. It was time for lunch so we decided to have a snack. After finishing lunch, we began to realize the sign ‘Next Exit-Gas’ was in fact true. It is not likely we will ever eat there again. - Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.