A time of electoral dysfunction

Humor column
By: Jack Fabian Special to The News Messenger
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We have just completed several months of electoral dysfunction and aren’t we all glad it’s over … for now. In all the decades I’ve been voting, never have I seen a more pathetic selection of individuals to run our government. In the annals of history, the United States will be known as the “Roamin’ Empire.” We have roamed all over the world telling all other nations how to run their countries, when in fact, we couldn’t run our own. For several months prior to the election, I would scan the news photos and articles every day in search of someone good and knowledgeable, and worthy of local, state and federal office. I was getting nowhere. Then one day, all of a sudden, I found several individuals who actually appealed to me, obviously very family-oriented and well thought of in the community. I was very pleased with this until I discovered, in my eagerness to find someone, I had drifted over into the obituaries. If these people were going to run, they were not going to run very fast. Fortunately, during this particularly boring period in our recent past, the World Series was being played and our Giants came home with the trophy. I was fortunate enough to have gone to the second game played in San Francisco. Some big corporate guy gave a friend of mine a couple o’ tickets right behind home plate, just a few rows back from the screen. The day we went into the stadium, it was just mobbed. Not a seat was available, except the one right next to me. I just could not imagine someone not showing up for an event like this. There was a gentleman seated to the right of this empty seat so I glanced toward him and made a comment about it not being occupied. He promptly informed me that it had been his wife’s seat but, unfortunately, she had passed away the previous week. I expressed my sympathy and said, “Couldn’t you have gotten a friend or relative to have come with you?” He said, “No. They are all at the funeral.” I guess that explains the quote you’ve heard all your life; “I wouldn’t have missed this game for anything.” I was going to include a little Thanksgiving poem I wrote recently but I can’t seem to locate it. But here’s another Thanksgiving-related piece of poetry. “Let’s Talk Turkey” How do you think a turkey feels When he hears that it’s November? He remembers his parents from the year before, And they weren’t there in December. He remembers feathers all over the place, There obviously had been some pluckin’ n’ pickin’. It was a real mystery to him why the owners Couldn’t have settled for a dinner of chicken. To assure his survival, he had been on a low-carb diet, Hoping this effort would keep him from becoming pleasingly plump. He certainly didn’t want to be on the table with potatoes n’ gravy, The end result being his bones would end up at the dump. It looks like he has made it through this year For on his frame, there was just not enough meat. If he’s still here in December, he’ll be happy he made it, And next year he can plan a repeat. Well, in two more years, we have another election. They’ll probably start telling lies about each other right after the Christmas holidays. If we end up having another electoral dysfunction in 2012, we need to buy two new bathtubs and see Alice. Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.