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There’s Something Wrong With This Picture

By: Jack Fabian - Humor Columnist, special to The News Messenger
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“There’s Something Wrong With This Picture.” If you’re going broke, just stand up and cheer! You can see this happen every weekday on television as the stock market plunges to a new low. At the end of the Wall Street day, as the closing bell rings, these financial idiots stand up on a platform and clap their hands in sheer joy. There’s something wrong with this picture. And what’s your opinion about royalty? Back on May 26th, the Associated Press published an article about royalty in England, and I quote: “Wearing her diamond-studded crown, Queen Elizabeth II arrived at Parliament in a gleaming horse-drawn carriage to deliver a message of making do with less in troubled economic times.” I can’t believe anyone could do that. There’s something wrong with this picture. We are now spending millions to modify the Sacramento Airport. We’re firing all the teachers, policemen, firemen, but we’re going to have a prettier airport. There’s something wrong with this picture. And in this fantastic airport, we’re going to install a huge red rabbit which is just for decoration. This red rabbit, many feet in size and costing millions of dollars is completely useless. We are over budget by just a hare. And why red? When have you ever seen a red rabbit, unless you just shot one in the woods with a big load o’buckshot. The only good thing I can think of regarding this huge rabbit is it will make it easier for my wife to find me when I return from a trip. I can just say, “Meet me under the bunny honey.” Then there’s the oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico, which has resulted in the generation of a bill in Congress to rename that body of water as the Gulf of Lubrication. This will include a law that requires changing the oil every 3000 miles, (our government at work). The oil company, B.P. (Belching Petroleum), is planning to change the name of their company to A. P. (American Petroleum) to take some of the pressure off. There’s a definite danger in high oil pressure. When you fry shrimp now, there’s no need to grease the pan; when you buy ‘em, the oil is already on’em. That’s crude. There’s something wrong with this picture. And what about ‘happy cows’? Did you know the cows in New Zealand are more photogenic than our cows in California? That is utterly ridiculous, or is it. In New Zealand, the cows’ smiles are more inviting, much less brown and yellow, especially near the gums. With nicer teeth, they’re much less repulsive when they speak. There’s nothing wrong with this picture.