A new year, an old idea

By: Jack Fabian, humor columnist
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Happy New Year!

I know I’m a little tardy with that but it took me awhile to remember and gather all the stuff that happened on New Year’s Eve.

As usual, we had a coagulation of neighbors who wanted to celebrate this annual event but you must understand we’re in an age group that goes to bed no later than 10 o’clock.

The host of the beautiful home we gathered in did not want everybody to leave the party at 10 o’clock. When we all had arrived, about 20 of us, our host made the following announcement: “The only rule this night is that you cannot talk about yourself; we will take care of that right after you leave.”

Well, 10 o’clock came and went, and nobody left.

I never cease to be amazed at the many kinds of people in this world and we had several unique ones at this party.

One guy, who’s divorced, went to pick up his new girlfriend before he came to this get-together. After picking her up, he was returning on Highway 65 when he was pulled over by the police. The cop said, “Sirens wailing and lights flashing didn’t seem to slow you down. Why’d you keep speeding?” My neighbor told the officer that his ex-wife had run off with a highway patrolman and he was afraid they were bringing her back. Makes you wonder if he should have stopped at all.

As you might expect, the main topics of discussion throughout the evening were depression, recession, inflation and politics, the first three being the result of the fourth. In the New Webster’s Dictionary, the word ‘politician’ now states it is an elected employee of the government, who, when he sees light at the end of the tunnel, orders more tunnel.

How many times have we seen that happen?

In my opinion, politicians are like diapers; they should be changed frequently and for the same reasons.

This evening brought me some embarrassment I never want to experience again. A neighbor lady I’ve known for two or three years was dressed beautifully, sitting in a lounge chair, and I noticed something I was sure she’d want to be aware of. So I went over and whispered in her ear, “Your stockings are wrinkled.” She immediately whispered in my ear, “I’m not wearing any.” I don’t think I’ve turned that color in my entire life.

The wife of one of the liveliest couples on our street was there by herself, which is pretty unusual. I asked her where Fred was and she told me he fell into an upholstery machine on a recent trip to China. I asked how he was doing and she said he’s recovered now.

Two of the guys at this big event are fishing buddies. Last June, they were on a big lake in Oregon when they found a corked bottle floating on the water. One guy picked it up and rubbed it on the side, just for laughs. All of a sudden the cork popped and out flew this Genie, deliriously happy to be free of that bottle. He said he was in there for over 50 years and you can imagine what he smelled like after 50 years. He quickly informed my friends that he would grant them one wish, anything they wanted. Quickly, my friend Tony said, “Fill this lake with beer.”

But the other guy, Henry, was not at all sure that’s what he wanted. However, the Genie’s wand had been waived and the lake was full of beer. Henry then turned to Tony and said, “See what you’ve done? Now we have to pee in the boat.”

Well, the host for this evening did a superb job. He made everyone feel at home, even though, in some cases, he wished they were.


Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident who enjoys humor.