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Is it wedded bliss or a matrimonial blitz?

Humor column
By: Jack Fabian, Special to The News Messenger
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About 10 years ago, a friend of mine with whom I worked in Kansas City was transferred to the San Diego area. We finally arranged to get together a few weeks ago. I picked him up at the airport and the first thing that was obvious was that his wife was not with him. When I questioned why, I could not believe the answer I got. My friend told me he came home from work one day and his wife anxiously yelled, “Honey, pack your things. I just won the California lottery!” He immediately asked, “Shall I pack for the beach or the mountains?” The reply shocked him when she said, “It doesn’t matter, just get out!” My friend said he shouldn’t have been so surprised because three years prior, she had won a trip for two to Hawaii and she went twice by herself. He emphasized there were indicators along the way that he should have paid more attention to. For example, twice a week, they would go to a nice restaurant, have some wine, good food and companionship. She went on Tuesdays and he went on Fridays. He admitted he contributed to the problem at times. On their last anniversary, he asked where she’d like to go and she voiced the fact that she’d like to go somewhere she hadn’t been for a long time. So he suggested the kitchen. (Talk about skating on thin ice!) On the day they got married, she got upset with him because he wanted to be in the wedding pictures. To lighten his load a bit, we invited him to go with us to see Monty Python’s “Spamalot” at the Music Circus in Sacramento. The show was fantastic, two solid hours of laughter. English humor is in a category by itself; just look at the cars they drive. We sat next to a guy that has an experimental pet lab. During intermission, he was telling us about some of his projects. His most successful effort was when he crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker and got a bird that not only delivers a message but knocks on the door when it gets there. Most birds wouldn’t give a rap. I then asked this guy, if he crossed a centipede with a parrot, would he get a “walkie-talkie”? He didn’t speak to us the rest of the evening. Well, as for this friend of mine I mentioned earlier, I’ve written a poem that I think fits his situation. It’s called, “Love is Sometimes Debatable.” It all started with Adam n’ Eve thousands of years ago, Nobody else around, only these two smiling faces. They had this wonderful paradise all to themselves, A very sociable couple, and were seen in all the right places. They invented the kiss, the shortest distance between two people, Toothpaste and mouthwash were part of the condition. They began to enjoy this day in and day out, And finally realized a kiss was an application for a better position. So love has come down through the ages, affecting us all, Every preacher, psychiatrist and psychologist has written a book. As long as women have curves, men will have angles, Love at first sight is possible but it pays to take a second look. Love isn’t blind but there are times when you can’t bear to look, You must select with care; this can affect your entire life. Picking the right one can be risky as hell, And if I ever win the girl of my dreams, what will I do with my wife? Well, like most of you, I got married, And off to the Pacific Islands, we did fly. Following the honeymoon, we headed for home, I said I felt like a new man, and my wife said, “So do I.” What else can I say? Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.