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Freezing in the doctor’s office and a screaming TV

By: Jack Fabian, humor columnist
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Just got back from a visit with my cardiologist, something I must do every six months since I had a valve job a little over a year ago. If you’ve got a bad valve, you just can’t get past the smog check. Anyway, I went into his office, got through the weigh-in and blood pressure routine and the nurse said. “Take your shirt off, he’ll be right in.” Of course he will. The temperature in the examining room was 17 degrees! Fortunately, meat doesn’t spoil at that temperature but I couldn’t move any of my parts. When the doctor finally came in, he shut the door hard and I cracked in several places. After thawing out on the way home, I got in touch with my neighbor who has the same medical insurance I have. I found out my insurance doesn’t cover anything under 32 degrees. Something else that really bugs me is the volume level of commercials on TV. A few years back, they found out that we all went to the potty during these idiot product dissertations so they increased their broadcasting sound levels so you could hear them in the bathroom. Fortunately for us, some genius electronics engineer came up with the ‘mute’ button and saved the day. Now, we need to remove the Washington Monument and put up a ‘Salute to Mute’ tower in honor of this guy. I found it rather amusing that this engineer’s name was Ralph Loud. By the way, the best parts of our television viewing last night were of a vase and a clock. And then there are casinos, a way of getting nothing for something. It’s so nice we get to have one in every backyard. We’re so comfortable now because they’ve gone primarily to penny machines and then you discover that the big payouts they brag about require that you place a maximum bet, a bet that could cost you several dollars for each pull. I just hope they have more luck with my money than I did. But let’s say you’re lucky and you win a few bucks or happen to have some of your money left and it’s time to go home. You cash out and receive a slip of paper with your winnings or leftovers stated on it. You must be aware that this slip of paper has an expiration date on it (good only for 30 days). Why isn’t this considered robbery? It is not their money! How very convenient of them. How about this economy we find ourselves in? If you’re old enough, you can remember another time when our economy made history. Unfortunately, history repeats itself — that’s one of the bad aspects about history. Our esteemed politicians, with a collective IQ of about 27, haven’t the foggiest idea how to fix this. They need to put the effort into this problem that matches the effort they exert to get re-elected. But, to help you feel better, someone once said, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.” The state has an emergency fund but they don’t want to use it; too bad we don’t have an emergency. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until they fix it. Take my advice on this and live within your income … even if you have to borrow to do it. Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.