Every day, more stuff happens

By: Jack Fabian, Special to The News Messenger
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When I sit down to write one of these columns, I’m just amazed at the number of topics that jump into my mind. For example, I was at the gym this morning, and before I went in, I watched the cars cruising around the parking lot looking and waiting for a close parking place. Some cruised around for five or six revolutions, (around $3 in gas), to get a close spot. They go to the gym to exercise, right? Is there something wrong with this picture? While in the gym, I observed the so-called gym instructors. This is a pretty easy way to make some extra bucks. The only prerequisite is that you must be able to count to 12, and for the advanced participants, 15. After the gym, I headed home and, as I swung in the driveway, my next-door neighbor was there flaggin’ me down. He wanted to know if I was aware of the Neighborhood Watch. I told him I was, and that I’d seen it many times; it’s the big clock on City Hall. With that, he gave me a very strange look, didn’t say a word and went straight back into his house. I wonder at what diameter a watch becomes a clock. My neighbor gave me that look once before when I told him a hush puppy was a dog that doesn’t bark. But while on the subject of clocks, a very timely topic, you may recall the little gem of poetry Johnny Hart put in his B.C. comic strip many years ago. Hickory dickery dock, nine mice ran up the clock, The clock struck ‘4,’ who fell on the floor, But the other 5 all got away. Now that Christmas is only a couple of months away, just remember, there’s no present like the time. I can’t believe the subject of Christmas is displaying itself already. This Christmas, my wife has promised to get me a new dictionary. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with the one I have, which was issued by the United States Congress a few years ago. She assures me the new one will be in alphabetical order. People die in alphabetical order; I don’t know why a dictionary shouldn’t be in alphabetical order. I don’t know if you recall, but a couple years ago, a guy in Roseville gave his mother-in-law a cemetery plot. Now, you know that’s not a bad gift. Plots are expensive and the mother-in-law’s in her 80s and let’s be realistic, occupancy eventually is certain. Well, a year went by and the following Christmas, he didn’t buy her a gift at all. She was very upset and got even more upset when he told her he didn’t give her a gift because she still hadn’t used the one he gave her last year. For the upcoming Christmas, my wife and I decided we would get a new television. Well, we just couldn’t wait that long; we saw a good buy and purchased it last week. The new remote has 54 buttons, several of which are never-before-seen features. One intriguing button is labeled “potty.” When you press this button, whatever you’re watching is put on hold while you satisfy the demands of nature. The thing you have to understand about this button is if you’re gone too long, the system automatically accesses 911. If you hear sirens, you’ve been in there way too long. Fifty-four buttons on a remote are way too many. We should learn a lesson from the 1930s when they replaced unwanted buttons with zippers. Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.