Equal time given to doctors, lawyers and federal employees

By: Jack Fabian, Special to The News Messener
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When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. Obviously, I should’ve become a politician and run for office. Wouldn’t have mattered what party. There was a different party every week when I was in school. My Uncle Martin was the politician in our family. He worked many years for the federal government in the Office for the Creation of Questionable Statistics. He eventually found his way into the Department of Foreign Affairs and just loved having girl friends in other countries. In the first three months, he had foreign affairs in France, Italy and Pakistan. This uncle of mine was quite a guy, and when I was a teenager, he’d pull me aside and infuse me with invaluable information that has stayed with me all these many years. Some of the gems he embedded in my brain included the following: “You’re never drunk when you can lay on the floor and not hang on.” “Every family tree has some sap in it.” “Don’t plant a big garden if your wife tires easily.” There of course were many, many more but my ability to remember has dissipated somewhat. And by the way, my Uncle Martin is now with the FBI; they caught him in Los Angeles. While I’m writing this column, flights all over the world have been delayed or cancelled due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland. This is the Eyjafjallajokull volcano, named after Sammy Eyjafjallajokull, who now lives in Miami, Fla. He took some meat down there to thaw out and he never went back. Can you imagine this guy signing his checks? They had to be 14 inches long! Speaking about strange people, about 20 years ago, a neighbor of mine in Kansas City had a typical American teenager, 34 years old. This kid was a real troublemaker, and due to his nasty talents, was awarded a scholarship to a reform school. His name was David Sawyer, and what’s interesting was be became a brilliant engineer, known across the country. Unfortunately, he became ill and died at the age of 42. He arrived at the Pearly Gates and felt uneasy because St. Peter appeared disturbed. Sure enough, St. Peter informed him that he was in the wrong place, snapped his fingers, and Sawyer found himself in Satan’s hangout. Ol’ Satan was thrilled to get this engineering talent, his place was in much need of change. So the first job Sawyer did was install air conditioning. A few days later, the guy in charge up above phoned Satan to see how it was down there. Satan was ecstatic and said. “We now have central air and escalators; who knows what Sawyer the engineer will think of next.” Immediately St. Peter came on the line and hollered, “You’ve got an engineer? There’s been a mistake. Send him back up here or we’ll sue you!” “Oh yeah, right,” chuckled Satan, “And where are you going to find a lawyer?” Well, we’ve touched on federal employees, engineers and lawyers, there’s just no reason to omit doctors. I’m sure you’ve noticed you never see your doctor at the scheduled time. About an hour past that scheduled time, this little bubbly thing calls your name and as you go through the door, she says, “And how are you today?” How does she think I am today! I didn’t come in here to play dominoes. Besides, I’m limping and groaning. Is she blind? But now I have it all figured out. After spending so many hours in waiting rooms, the solution was evident. On my next visit, I put on a suit, shirt and tie (not necessarily in that order) and carried a briefcase. The receptionist thought I was a drug rep and I got right in. Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.