Around my house, women of the night are full of bunco

By: Jack Fabian, humor columnist
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As of March, bunco, a semiannual event at our house; has already been to our house twice this year. I look forward to this as much as I look forward to winning the grand prize in a colonscopy contest.

This bunco event makes for an interesting night for me as all these women talk about their youthful figures (which is how old they say they are), and believe me, these are youthful figures.

Now you know that the years a woman subtracts from her age are not lost; they are added to the ages of women who are not playing bunco this night. Our next-door neighbor was here and announced she was 39 but that’s not the half of it.

A lot of these women are golfers and one in particular, every time she shows up in a crowd anywhere, constantly brags about her golf fame.

Several of us have noticed all the ‘green’ flags are at half mast when she’s on the course. This same gal said when she reached 65, (which was a few years back), she began to regret the sins she did not commit. I thought that was a rather interesting comment.

Sometime during the night, they will all talk about their husbands, and as I listen to this, it becomes evident these women are all like fishermen. They all think the best one got away.

As the night went on, it became rather obvious that several of them have husbands who drink. And, as the evening went on, it became rather obvious as to why they drink but that’s a whole other chapter someplace.

One of the husbands mentioned had just been to his doctor to discuss the results of some blood tests. The doctor offered him $50 a case for his blood. He must consume expensive scotch. The doctor also discussed this patient’s insomnia, (the triumph of mind over mattress) and told him he would never die in his sleep because he doesn’t sleep well enough.

Before leaving, the doctor made him aware that liquor is a slow poison. He told the doctor he was not in a hurry. And he shouldn’t be in a hurry. Funerals are expensive, what with the shipping and handling and all.

I think the best line of this bunco night was made by one of our nearby neighbors when she said, “I never repeat gossip so listen carefully the first time.”

Well, not every woman repeats gossip, someone has to start it.

Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident.