Humor column

If gravity fails, don’t flush the toilet

By: Jack Fabian
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   Who’d o’ thought?  Everything in today’s world has a surprise waiting and, as you can see by the title of this article, not necessarily a pleasant one. 

   As an example of what can happen to you, I, like many of you, just a few weeks ago, was enjoying the Winter Olympics in South Korea. I was glued to the TV one evening watching the U.S. hockey team flashing across the ice at top speed, slamming into walls, bashing other players, and, all of a sudden, it’s a big win for the U.S. team.  Immediately, in the middle of the arena is this big pile of human beings celebrating their victory, screaming n’ hollering, and then the helmets started coming off, and MY GAWD!  This is the girls’ team!  I’m glad I didn’t take one o’ these to the junior prom; I could have been seriously injured.

   The only thing worse than dating one o’ these beautiful hockey players would be having a date with the wit n’ charm of President Trump’s press secretary, the queen of verbal vacillation.  It must be awful to come into work every morning realizing, if you happen to speak the truth for some reason, you might get fired.

   Speaking of the Olympics, what’s with this hair salon sport of ‘curling’?  This is an Olympic sport?  I’m sure daily workouts in the gym and hours of push-ups are required to become a zoom with a broom. 

   I can see a bunch o’ guys sitting’ around the table havin’ a beer when somebody says, “I hear you won an Olympic Gold Medal.  What in?”  And you say, “curling.”  His response, “Let’s have another ’round o’ beer.”

   Another surprise came to the surface in the Oscars.  This is a five-hour show where they present 2,000 Oscars from best movie all the way down to the best babysitters for the stars’ kids.  Then, when called to come up and get their award, they stand there and thank every name in the Fresno phonebook. 

   Unexpectedly, the best movie Oscar this year went to “The Shape of Water,” a title that makes absolutely no sense at all but it’s a name that sticks.  I was curious about this title so I decided to investigate how this thing came about.

   The producers of this movie traveled all over the country for a full year, visiting hundreds of senior communities’ facilities and discovered that old men who go in swimming pools, do, in fact, pee in the pools. So the purpose of the movie is to encourage you to proceed with caution when going into the pool, being certain what shape the water is in.

   By the way, if gravity fails, we’ll have a lot more than the toilet to worry about.  


Jack Fabian is a Lincoln resident, writer and poet.